My eldest daughter has started K-Pop dance classes. I am not sure who is more into it - her or me. Ok, so it is probably me. Is it weird that I force her to teach her routines when she gets home from class or that I am trying desperately to get her into some sort of matching tracksuit number and wear shiny sneakers and an oversized baseball cap as we dance (no need for me to change outfits as I already have all of the necessary apparel on)? I admit to (desperately) wanting to be her because she can dance and she has years of potential stardom ahead of her (I am not being pushy but when your child steals the microphone from the MC at the school's fete last weekend and refuses to give it back until she has exhausted her repertoire of songs from Frozen there must be some sort of future on the stage for her?). But, unless I can recreate the magic used in the movie Freaky Friday (where Jamie Lee Curtis (mother) and Lindsay Lohan (daughter) switch places), I am sadly coming to the realisation that I am just me - much, much closer to 40 than 20, with a bad knee and no talent (a point made very clear by me being the only one of my friends not to make it into the high school production in Year 12). My dreams of K-Pop stardom (and that of Australian Idol also, if I am to be brutally honest with you) are perhaps over.
Lucky, then, for the maxim, if you can't sing, stalk. Because, what I have lacked in real talent, I have made up with successful celebrity stalking over the years.
I have five rules for successful celebrity stalking. They are:
1. Best to engage in this sort of behaviour while single because your fiancé will not share your excitement as you hysterically ring him at work in Australia while you are in London to tell him all about you meeting Pacey from Dawsons Creek (TV show from the late 90's). (Most certainly do not mention on that phone call just how devastated you are for not having the courage to ask Pacey out for a drink).
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| Oh, Pacey... |
(I managed to find Pacey after accidentally finding the stage door exit after completely inadvertently watching a play that he just happened to be starring in (with Star Trek Patrick Stewart). I may, or may not have, fought off kids ten years younger than me, stole a pen from someone and a piece of paper from someone else and tussled with some very tenacious Trekkies to be rewarded by Pacey's autograph).
2. Celebrity stalking when you are a teenager can be a little weird because you don't actually know what to do should your stalking be successful. Actually, this could probably be the case for all ages of celebrity stalking: always have a plan for what happens after. I have vague recollections of stalking Todd from Neighbours (that iconic Australian TV show) on a bus in Vermont (outer eastern suburbs of Melbourne, just near where Neighbours is filmed). We spotted him on the street, followed him to the bus stop, jumped on the bus behind him and then we did not know what to do next. For that reason I did not join my friends in going to the hotel where New Kids On The Block were staying during their Melbourne tour, not because my parents grounded me. (And that is the reason why I never got to marry Donny Wahlburg).
3. Children are usually more successful at stalking: I managed to get the autograph of John Farnham (an Australian singer who was huge in the 80's) three times when I was around 10. Watch his classic hit here - You're the Voice - and try to tell me that you don't want his autograph. (Now that I think about it how did I happen to be in the same place as John Farnham such a lot when I was in primary school? Mother?)
4. While children are generally more successful at stalking, carrying children around with you when older and stalking will be a hindrance and not a help. Here is a clip of a K-Pop group at a basketball game between Korea and New Zealand: K-POP at the basketball. I don't know who the crazy woman is that is screaming way too loudly in the video clip.
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| Still shot of the K-Pop group just before they explode into action |
And here I am after the basketball game, having successfully stalked a member of the group.
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| I am happy! |
Problem. Despite my beaming grin, I was at the game with my three kids. I had no idea where they were when this photo was taken (I did find them later) and it really wrecked my chances of getting to know this dude a little better. Being forced to chose between your offspring and your celebrity stalkee of the moment is a choice you should never be forced to make.
This brings me to the fifth and final rule.
5. If you are serious about celebrity stalking, move to South Korea. It just seems so much easier here. For starters, the various goings on are reported in dedicated page(s) of daily newspapers. Popular movie and TV drama locations around the country are clearly signposted (in Korean English and Chinese). There are the K-Pop tour buses and you can easily access the various management groups of the K-Pop stars in Gangnam to patiently wait for your star of the moment to visit. But the real bonus of celebrity stalking in South Korea is that the celebrities may just come to you. Meet Mr Sung.
I met him on Metro Line number 5 the other day. Clutching his silver sparkling Ajoshi (Korean for older man) jacket under his arm, he told me how he is an older K-Pop star (and part-time model).
I was not stalking him.
Mr Sung seemed really happy. He drew my child a picture of a song bird flying out of a barred window (a metaphor for something perhaps) and then Mr Sung sang us a song as the train rolled home. We liked him. Maybe we should have been stalking him? Which got me thinking. Ignoring talent for a moment, age should be no barrier to pursuing my K-Pop dreams. Just because I may be a little older and not as nimble as the Crayon Pop chicks in helmets, I can still bring something to someone, including on a train (and, if you had seen me in the Noraebang (Korean karaoke) the other night, surely you would also agree). So, watch out oldest child, I may just join (take over) your K-Pop class after all.
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